<Sidebar>Today, I’m 16 weeks pregnant, which Honest Dad claims isn’t actually four months along, but I stopped listening to his opinion once I peed on a stick and got a big, blue line.  In honor of this latest milestone, I decided to write about sex, and how it occurs (and doesn’t) during pregnancy.  Now, I have actually met women who claimed that they felt sexy, horny, and irresistibly womanly while pregnant, but I hate those women. Those are the same women who gush, “Oh, I LOVED being pregnant! I never got sick! Not once! Every day was like a little miracle that was especially for me.  Isn’t being pregnant amazing??”  Yes, it is, but if you continue to talk about your perfect, glowing, fluffy-kittens-and-puppies pregnancy that made you feel so close to your husband, and your mother, and your aunts, and your neighbors, and your third grade teacher, I’m going to throw up on your shoes and send my toddler over to your house with a can of Day Glo Orange spray paint and a box of Cadbury Bunny Eggs.  The truth is, sex during pregnancy is hard (“That’s what she said! Woooo!”).  But it’s necessary, because it reminds everyone involved that you are not just a “vessel” for your unborn child. You are a woman who’s still trying to be a woman in all the ways that “woman” can be defined.  It’s a great stress reliever.  And it’s fun.  And funny. And totally worth it. And, Honest Dad, I want you to remember that you still do it for me. Every time.

I’m also aware that my father reads this blog.  Sorry, dad, but after watching me give birth, I guess you have to know by now that your little girl isn’t a virgin anymore.  Hope I didn’t shatter any illusions.</Sidebar>

 

Sex While Pregnant: An Only Slightly Exaggerated Play in Four Months

First three months

Rachel: Ugh. I’m so nauseous. Not tonight, okay?

Honest Dad: That’s okay, baby. Can I just look at your boobies a bit?

Rachel: (Shrugs) What the hell?  Knock yourself out.

Four months

R: I haven’t thrown up in a week, and I’ve only been nauseous for the first few hours of the day! Wanna fool around?

HD: Oh, yeah.  Can I see your boobies?

R: Yeah. Hehehehe.  Here ya, go, baby.

HD: Mmmmm. Can I touch them?

R: ARE YOU CRAZY??

Later. A birthday, anniversary, date night, or some other special occasion.

HD: No pressure, baby.  Let’s just get naked, and see what happens.

R: (Smiling) Oh, I think we could do that.  Wait, though.  I have to go to the bathroom first. I don’t want you to see my Poise Pad.

HD: (Trying to grab her arm) I really don’t care! No, don’t go away! No, no, no—!  Well, hurry back.

Long pause. Honest Dad is now watching whatever is on Spike TV, wrapped in a blanket.

R: (Returning) Okay, I took off my pad, peed, and gave myself a little “Irish shower.”

HD: You know we’re Irish, right? That’s a little offensive.

R: You’re Irish.  I just married into Irish.  And it’s not offensive.  It’s an historically inappropriate stereotype. It’s a throwback to when the Irish were considered a separate, non-white race. It’s retro.

HD:  I don’t think that’s how racism works.

R: I’m not racist against the Irish! I married one!  Besides, I also like to drink whiskey!

HD: You’re really not helping your argument.

R: Why are you being so sensitive?  It’s not like we’re Irish Catholic too, or something.

HD: This is so not a sexy conversation.

Later . . .

HD: Wanna try some doggy style?

R: You just don’t want to see my big, fat, pregnant belly!

HD: No, no, no!  I just want to look at your ass! I like your ass! It’s sexy!

R: Because you don’t want to remember that our kid is in the room with us!

HD: Of course I don’t want to remember that our kid is in the room with us!

R: Well, I can’t forget!

HD: (Stopping) Why? Is something wrong?  Is it painful?  Are they wriggling? Did they, you know, get poked?

R: I love you very much, and I find you very sexy, but don’t flatter yourself, baby.

Still later . . .

R: (Sighing) Well that was . . .

HD: (Also sighing) Yeah.

R: We’re still pretty good.

HD: Blow it up, baby. (Congratulatory fist bump)

R: Why don’t we do that more often?

HD: We should promise to do that more.

R: Deal.

HD: So, next date night?

R: Oh, yeah, baby.

HD: When will that be?

R: Let’s see.  This baby’s due in September. Probably will be weaned by the next June or July. So . . .

HD: I’ll pencil you in for spring 2014.

R: Good call. (Pause) Late spring.

HD: Lay one on me.

Kiss.

R: I love you, baby.

HD: I love you, too.

FIN

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